The bond we forged

I was looking for a few papers for my mother the other day that required me to go digging into the family archive. As I sifted through boxes I came across memories of bygone days. Memories of moments treasured forever in my heart.

When I was young I used to hear the adage that girls marry men like their fathers. I used to want to marry a man like my father. A gentle man who encouraged me and nurtured me. A man who taught me to stand for what I believe in no matter what. A man who sat me on his lap each afternoon to work on crosswords puzzles, who on a trip together struggled with a comb and hair band to make me look decent (which I didn't) and one who always stood up for me.

There are many things I regret in my life. My decision to isolate myself from my father might be a costly one that I will probably regret for a long time coming. Somethings once said cannot be taken back and somethings once done can never be undone. We live with these decisions and their consequences day in and day out but one thing is for sure, no one can love me like my father and no one can ever take his place in my heart. I hope, inshallah, to one day find a way to bridge the rift that has opened up between us and till then I find comfort in this song.

Your Joy by Chrisette Michele

Walked down the sidewalk
Starin' at your feet
Wishin' my steps were longer
So by your sides I could keep

Hold your hand much bigger
Never wanted mine to grow
So I could always feel perfect
Inside your palms just so

No one loves me just like you do
No one knows me just like you do
No one can compare
To the way my eyes fit in yours

You'll always be my father
And I'll always be your joy

Laid me on your belly
Nights when mama wasn't home
Lightning had made me shiver
And you never let me feel alone

I tried to match your breathing
Beating my little heart against yours
Perfect were the nights, we were sleepin'
I never wanna end what we are

'Cause no one loves me just like you do
And no one knows me just like you do
No one can compare
To the way my eyes fit in yours

You'll always be my father
And I'll always be your joy

One day he'll come on bended knee
And ask my love away from thee
And when I give my love to him
He'll always have a place within

One day he'll come on bended knee
And ask my love away from thee
And when I give my love to him
He'll always have a place within

No one loves me just like you do
No one knows me just like you do
No one can compare
To the way my eyes fit in yours

You'll always be my father
And I'll always be your joy

The surface looks smooth but underneath there is a swirling mass bubbling. Once in a while a bubble will break the surface and if you are not careful the stream of steam it lets off will scald you. It is a rare occurrence and one that is both fascinating and scary at the same time. This unknown mass. This unfathomable, unmeasurable, putrid mess exist beneath a calm and unbroken surface unbeknowest to anyone. :)

King of Pop

Its with astonishment that I realize the King of Pop will no longer be. I still remember the first night I sat with my siblings to watch the release of Thriller. I peeped in between my fingers whenever the dead came out of the grave but I couldn't help trying to learn to moves in the video. MJ's was the first CD I received from my boyfriend when we were dating and I still have it. I even have a nasheed that he purportedly sung. He will be missed by the masses but the MJ I fell in love with left a long time ago and I think I had already mourned him. May God place him in his good graces. Amin.

Xcruciating pain

I once broke my wrist bones and refused categorically to take pain meds. I dealt with the pain. I strained ligaments in my ankle and hobbled my way up the gangplank of a ship and through an airport with a heavy backpack. I didn't whimper then, but now I did something to my MCL and every time I climb into my car I scream in pain. When someone bumped into me at work I laughed with pain.

It is unbearable, nerve raking pain. I take my anti-inflammatory tabs and ice my knee when I get home but I almost feel like hacking the goddamn leg off. The doc asked me if I wanted pain meds and I resolutely refused, now I wish I had taken them. Turning in my sleep makes my nerves ring out the alarm bells.

How do these athletes do this? I swear if someone intentionally tackled me at a football game and caused this much pain I would probably hunt them down and cause them as much pain. Instead my dislocated patella and subsequently MCL injury was caused by testing out a MATTRESS. Yea, I know dumb but it happened. I just wish this doc would hurry up and see me and give me an answer as to how I am to survive and heal. Gosh, my body is giving up on me already.

Be kind to your body parts you never know what it means to function without it. I miss stretching my leg languorously while reading my books.