Thursday, January 05, 2006

Is there an end in sight?

Listening to her ipod as she worked out Filsan thought of how the events in her life have wrecked havoc to her placed system of order. Her step increased in pace and her jaw got locked as usual when she is brooding. The view infront of her blurred into a memory of love and affection. She saw herself dressed in a serene blue dress dancing the night away in the arms of her fiancee. Her laugh ringing so clear in her ears as she twirled round and round on the dance floor. Her fiancee's loving gaze and the passion locked in them boring into her very soul. The image dissipated to a younger version of her. At a tender age of seven watching snow white and the seven dwarfs with her friend's father. Her gaze so intent on the TV it was like she was in the movie. As Filsan remembered that day clearly her step turned forceful and her hands clenched into a fist.

A tear dropped from her eyes as she kept staring ahead of her. Filsan willed for the memories to stop flooding her vision. She willed for them to go back to whence they came from. She moved her fingers to the volume wheel blasting the music to full capacity.......drowning in the words of Mary J Blige. Her face felt hot and flushed as she pushed her body to work extra hard. Words started reverbating in her mind:

If we had anything it wouldn't come to this
When you are ready to get married let me know cause something tells me you are not ready
U ain't happy with anything, What are you happy with?
You have your own agenda. Don't poison any of them against me!!
I don't want to ever talk to you as long as I live.
You are selfish and conceited.
You will not amount to anything in this world.
You think you are smarter than everyone but you are anything but.
You are fake
I want all of you or nothing
You made my life a living hell...................................

On and on they kept spinning. Pretty soon Filsan's body was racked with sobs as she let out all the emotions corked up in her body. She quickly jumped off the treadmill and run to the locker room. The world was swimming in an ocean of her tears as she locked the door to the bathroom. She sat down on the toilet seat and put her hand to her mouth as she tried to stifle the pathetic hiccupy sobs that had taken over her earlier sobs. With each breath the tears kept increasing. Filsan wanted to die. She wanted to lay her head on the cold linoleum floor and beg God for deliverance from the demons that haunt her. Filsan finally just gave in!

1 comment:

Gulab Jamun said...

Filsan is in desperate need of a vaction. No?