Ready to die

Kalthum stared fixatedly at the ceiling. She thought about the cobwebs dangling off the corner and how she should really get rid of them one of these days, but not today. She turned over to her side and placed her hand over the dent in the bed. He used to lie right next to her for the past thirty years. As her palms swept across the Egyptian cotton sheet, she could almost swear she felt his presence in the bedroom. A tear escaped from her eyes as she thought back to all the memories that were made in the room. Kalthum rolled herself to his side of the bed and inhaled deeply. She had changed the sheets last night but his scent still lingered. After ten minutes she finally felt ready to face the world. Quietly getting up, Kalthum smoothed out the bed as per her habit. She walked to the en suite bathroom and got ready for her day. The bathroom felt drafty. When Ismail was alive, Kalthum was used to a steamy bathroom in the morning. Alas, today there would be none of that. Kalthum washed her hair but couldn’t help but to break out in sobs as the water ran down her back. She emerged back into the bedroom to sunny filled room. Grabbing a pair of white chino slacks and her favorite U of M sweatshirt, she walked to the kitchen.

A pancake batter and eggs later, Kalthum realized she had cooked a meal enough for two. She wondered how long it would take for her to get used to the idea he was gone. He wasn’t coming back. She was alone. Kalthum lost her appetite. Storing the food in the fridge, she turned her attention to the morning newscast. It was a ritual she performed each morning with Ismail. They watched news and discussed the broadcast as they munched on their breakfast. This morning was different. There was no one to argue with as to the pro and cons of Israel’s invasion of Lebanon. Kalthum realized she couldn’t stay in the house all day thinking about him. Everywhere she looked, she saw him. His smile, his clothes, his shoes, everything reminded her of him. She grabbed her keys and walked to the garage. Ismail had bought her a car a month ago. She clambered into the car and drove towards the beach. Santa Monica beach had a calming effect on her. Everytime she fought with Ismail, she used to go there for a couple hours. She realized that she was mad at Ismail for leaving her alone in this world. She, who took great pains to be there for him all his life, felt she deserved more. Kalthum heard the horn blasting after she felt her car crumple. Her chest felt compressed and about to explode. She could barely think through the pain shooting up her arms and legs. She knew she was in bad shape when she started seeing red spots in her eyes. Then she felt it, a calm washed over her and she quit fighting for her breath. She closed her eyes and as she did a smile played on her lips. She was going to be with Ismail after all.