As of this moment I am a year older. I don't feel any different than I felt yesterday except more resolute to make sense out of life. I worked a nine hour shift at work and as I walked out the door my phone rung. It was my sister.
"Where are you?" she queried.
"Just getting out the door"
"You think you can make it to the theatre in half an hour?" she continued
"I am tired plus I need to go work out."
"Come on mayn, its your birthday and you worked all day. Skip the workout and come to the movie, I already got you a ticket."
"Aight I be der in a 10 mins with my flipping uniform"
I turned on the car and waited for it to warm up. It was a dreary day perfect for my mood. It had snowed as I drove into the parking lot this morning which meant it was going to be a long day at the pharmacy. I had an awful night of weird dreams that consisted of a collage of men I held dear to my heart. I had tossed and turned, sweated and shivered as finally my alarm gave me reprieve sometime around 7 am. I was in no means in the mood to deal with guests who needed to be mothered. Grabbing a starbucks I begun my day quietly.
Backing out of the parking spot I turned the car West towards the Regal 20 theatre. I felt empty for some reason even though I had my health and my family by me. I turned my brain off as my exit came up. Calling my sister I let her know I was close by and she should avail herself by the doors. As I walked in my cuz popped out of the corner and gave me a hug and a kiss wishing me a happy birthday. She steered me away from my sister and asked me what I wanted to snack on while I watched the movie. I was on a diet and couldn't eat any carbs but I ordered nachos with cheese and jalapenos. Sitting back in my seat I took off my jacket and dipped my hand in the jalapenos. Knowing instinctively the bitter/spicy taste that they would elicit from me, my mouth watered. The movie I was being subjected to was Madea family reunion. I had watched the play and was interested to see what twist Tyler Perry in the movie.
The movie was funny as hell and had me slapping my thighs and clapping. At times I got emotional as the characters fell in love and revealed secrets close to their hearts. Pretty soon it was time to go. As I slipped my jacket on I flipped my phone open. There was a text message waiting for me. It read:
I breath alone, Allah willed me to.
My heart beats, Allah willed me to.
I thank Allah for I love you.
Lets marry and thank Allah for He is the most merciful and gracious.
My heart stilled. There was a whirlpool in my body and someone had turned on the switch. I walked quickly to the car wanting to outrun my life but I didn't succeed. It was stuck to me. As I watch the raindrops fall my fingers dialed the numbers that were burned into my heart, mind and soul. A groggy voice answered,"Hello?". My voice abandoned me. Why did I call? I tried with effort to say something back.. .............................. .... Hello, hi or something. Instead my body was racked with sobs. Tears welled up in my eyes as I fought for control. Why did you love me? Why do I love you so much yet can't make a simple decision like marrying you? Why am I a coward? Why can't you leave and find someone who deserves you? "Baby please wipe your tears I can't do them for you but you know if I was there I would kiss them away." You make everything right and I come and destroy it. What are you doing around such a destructive force? "Baby please I am begging you...........Where are you? Talk to me. Stop crying honey."I have to go, Xafsa is walking back to the car. "Baby talk to me. Are you ok? Where are you? Let me talk to Xafsa". I am fine I am sorry I woke you up I will talk to you tomorrow. "Ok I will call you in the morning please keep your phone close by otherwise you know I will hound you at home/Work/sister's/friend's". I will, I promise. "Salaams I love you". I don't. "I know you do". How do you know? "Cause I live in your heart. Drive safely back home." Ok.Salaams.
As I lay my head back I wiped my tears away and plastered a smile on my face. Xafsa clambered into the car and proceeded to talk about the movie. I faked my way through it, quick to point out my favorite scenes. Inside I was screaming for an answer to my problems but I knew no one was listening. No one at all.