Live life to the fullest

His voice floated towards me through the hazy fog. I saw his lips move but I didn’t understand what he was trying to tell me. “Here take this card. It’s for a support group. It might help.” He smiled apologetically as he forced the card in between my fingers. On robot mode, I got up and walked out of Dr. Najib’s office. All I could think of was putting one foot infront of the other. I needed to get somewhere so I could digest what just transpired. I only got as far as the staircase before I slumped to the floor. I was dying. I had a time bomb ticking in my head. “I am sorry, but after all the tests I have come to the same conclusion as your previous doctor. You have a brain aneurysm.” Dr. Najib had given me a death sentence and yet the sun continued to shine outside. Tears started streaming uncontrollably down my face. People passing me steered clear of me as if they could contract death from me. A ringing phone pierced my pity party. I realized the annoying ring tone was mine and I reached out to answer it. It was my sister. My finger was posed over the answer button when I realized I was in no condition to talk to anyone. Turning my phone off, I got up from the floor. I needed to clear my head and I knew just what to do.

I turned into the flower lined driveway and turned off my engine. I took a deep breath as I steeled myself for what would meet me when I crossed into the foyer. “Habaryaar! Habaryaar!” came my angel’s voice. Leyla ran towards to me her arms outstretched. I picked her up and hugged her tightly to my body. Her little fingers twined themselves around my neck as she returned the hug with equal fervor. I walked slowly into the house, careful not to trip over her scattered toys. “I love you Habaryaar,” she said as she nuzzled into the crook of my neck. I gasped as tears sprung anew to my eyes. My heart was breaking and my control was slipping all due to this wide eyed beauty named after me. I held her close to me as I rounded the corner and headed for the backyard. I sat on the swing and gathered her to my bosom. I always wanted a baby; a boy. I even had his name picked out. Leyla’s fingers swept over my cheeks as she brushed my tears away. She sat there looking at me, not asking questions, just being attentive and loving.


“Hujui kusalimia watu cambaroo?” asked my sister as she walked towards us. I looked up at her and a sob escaped my lips.
“Oh baby! What happened?”
I shook my head side to the side. I didn’t trust my voice to say a word.
“Come now it can’t be that bad. Whoever it is, he is not worth it”
My body shook as it was racked with more sobs. I hadn't told him & I didn't know if I could.
“I am dying.”
“Huh? Silly! No one dies of heartbreak. Don’t be melodramatic.”
“I am not kidding. I have a brain……………aneurysm”
“Are you sure?”
“I just got a 2nd opinion. It’s confirmed. Tu, I am dying.”


She just stared as me, unsure of what to do or say. She got up from the swing and walked towards the house. When she got to the door, Tu turned around and looked at me. I couldn’t read anything from her body language. I sat there holding my niece who had now fallen asleep on my lap. She had her whole future ahead of her. She would grow up into a wonderful woman and I was going to miss it. I sat there on the swing staring at the ground. There was a line of ants walking towards a tree. Some of the ants were carrying some grains while others carried some kind of insect. I sat watching the procession till it disappeared into a hole. I heard a buzzing and looked up to see a bee hopping from one flower to another; pollinating. I realized that all around me life was going on. The birds were singing, flowers were blooming and life as I knew it was in full swing. I didn’t have to feel like a prisoner trapped or feel like I had to fight for each breath I take. I could find a silver lining to my condition. Hey! If life hands you lemons, make lemonade.

I got up from the swing and walked back into the house. I walked upstairs to my niece’s room and placed her gently on her bed. Pulling the covers around her small body, I placed a kiss on her forehead. I went in search of my sister and found her in the kitchen. She was leaning against the sink crying. I slipped my arms around her and hugged her. There was no need to say anything. I knew everything that she wanted to say. I made a vow then and there that life had given me a second chance. I was going to enjoy each minute doing what I like and being with the ones I love. I was going to live each day like it was my last.

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I am sorry that I didn't think to add this when I wrote this post but I was fighting fatigue at the time. The point to the tale was me getting the courage to do something. The disease is a possibilty for me but I am reluctant to confirm it by getting an MRI. My docs think I should but I don't. I am not prepared to deal with the outcome as of yet. I struggle with life as it is and being the pessimist that I am I can only see a bleak outcome. If I ever do get around to getting tested and giving the docs the chance to confirm their suspicion, then I would hope I could find the silver lining to it. I intend to live life to the fullest regardless.